Why are you trying so hard to *not* get laid?

Someone has got me watching Supernatural. There's not a whole lot one can say about about pretty boys Jensen Ackles traveling about the country battling demons and the like. It retreads about every other Buffy plot minus 65% of the wit. But who cares? Pretty boys! Jensen Ackles!

Even better than the show is having the excuse to read Drunken Bee's season 1 recaps. Below, her greatest hits:

The Hardy Boys Resolve to Exercise More

Praise Allah, Hallelujah, and Shalom, we pan up on Jensen as he slumbers face-down on a bed wearing little shorts. Unnecessary strings wail in the background as we hear keys fiddling in the lock, and then see a large figure looming behind this weird glass-brick wall between the door to the motel room and the room proper. Dean's eyes snap open, and the strings continue to wail even though the one-celled organisms living in the dust on my television know it's just Sam. There's no need to start every scene with a little mini...SURPRISE!, is my opinion on the subject. Sam comes into the room holding coffee and says, "Mornin', sunshine!" as Jensen pushes his chest off the bed, craning his neck backward, in a total beefcake pose. Then Jensen's thighs move this way. Then Jensen's thighs move that way. Then Jensen's thighs decide to get out of bed. I'm thinking this would not be a bad way to continue the recap. What are Jensen's thighs doing? WWJTD?

***

And it's dialogue like this that make me love my job. Listen, I subbed in for Al Lowe on an episode of Deadwood and I'll take Padalecki's ungrammatical grunts over Ian McShane's iambic pentameter any day. This show is a recapper's dream: 30 minutes of grunted dialogue, 15 minutes of walking around corners in spooky places, done.

The Lord God Your Hardy Boys

Back in the car, Plain Jane and Rich keep smooching. I'm sorry I have to keep saying "smooching," but I think it is the most accurate description of what they are doing. This time Rich reaches up behind her neck to try to untie her slut sack's halter tie. Plain Jane pulls back and is like, "listen, I know you receive lots of mixed messages about what women want from men -- and about seventy-five percent of those messages are indeed somehow connected to Julia Roberts -- but I'm here to tell you that women do not, in fact, want to get paid for having their naked ass pressed onto piano keys, nor give up satisfying careers as sleek fashion photographers to take care of your kids, nor find some man to rubber mallet them into the wedded bliss they've been running away from for years, nor have very public breakdowns about their cheating husbands, nor act completely nonsensically about their "best friend's" totally nonsensical wedding all while sporting the very prominent shoulder pads common to food critics (WTF?), nor do ANYTHING ELSE that Julia Roberts spent doing in the '90s, and ESPECIALLY we do NOT want to endure a boob fondling like that totally gross one Jason Alexander attempts to unleash on Ms. Roberts in Pretty Woman, the one that UNFORTUNATELY made us cheer in relief when Richard Gere came riding up in white pleather to the tune of mothereffing Roxette. Those are some things we do. not. want."

The Hardy Boys Go Off To See the Wizard

She seemed somewhat cute, but only before her mouth started moving, because once she starts talking you notice that she has an incredibly short upper lip, one that makes it impossible to look at her and not think about that little piece of skin that connects your lip to your gums and nobody wants to think about that, ever, right? They make hitchhiking chit-chat, and the more she talks the more awful it gets. She has completely wooden delivery, so much so that I'm wondering if maybe I simply fell asleep for a few years, woke up to find that Padelecki's career did not turn out exactly as he had planned, and am now watching a porno. I mean, her real name is Nicki Aycox, which has a certain, well, Just Add Lube quality to it.

The Hardy Boys Get Religion

As Dean wakes up, he looks up at The Rev, who stands there with his Blind Man's smile, and beyond whose shoulder lurks a nattily-dressed demon with the face of a Shar-Pei and also pretty much the same face of the villains developed for a critically-acclaimed episode of that critically-acclaimed television show that I certainly don't want to have to bring up week after week, and so will just leave unnamed because we all know what I'm talking about, and, yes, it does rhyme with "Huffy the Cast-Iron Conveyor."

The Hardy Boys Get Some

Cassie continues to run around shutting shutters, which, whatever. This goes on for a while until she grabs her phone, dials it, and then yells, "Dean! Deeeaaaann!" into it. "Dean" what? "Dean, come save me from a posturing truck"? I don't know. And I know this is a silly show, which is fine, but this scene really bugs me because, you know, African Americans lived for decades with the horrible spectre of there appearing out of nowhere the blazing bright light of a cross on fire in the front yard, followed by the possibility of being dragged out of their homes and beaten or killed. Is it really in the best taste to revise this awful cultural history into one involving...a killer truck with really bright headlights?

[I just couldn't understand why she didn't run down to the basement...]


The Hardy Boys 2.0
The boys swamp through the lush and verdant Texan landscape on their way up to the front door, remarking on how run-down the place is. Dean taps on his tiny little machine, which unfortunately does not reside in his pants. The EMF reader isn't working due to some interference that I don't care to recap since it, too, has nothing to do with Dean's pants.


The Hardy Boys and the Art of Getting Laid

Commercials. Every time I see one of those Revlon ads with Susan Sarandon and Julianne Moore powdering their noses together and laughing so exaggeratedly at how beautiful they each are, I can't help imagining that immediately before and after the shots, those two bitches are rolling around on the ground, trying to rip each other's wigs off. Julianne has her teeth clamped into a pit-bull grip on Susan's ear and is all "raarrraaarr" shaking her head from side to side and the director's like, "Uh, Tony? Could you please separate them? Okay, great. Roll camera!" Then they get in their chairs, do their bit with the laughing and the powdering, until "Thanks, ladies. That's a wrap!" and then they're immediately on the ground again, Susan's broken the heel of her right Blahnik, and Julianne's hem is all ripped as she windmills her arms at Susan but Susan is holding the tiny bitch effectively at arm's length. But maybe that's just me, though.

I am currently in the first third of season 2 and I have observed the following: Jared Padelecki needs to get a haircut and take an acting class, Linda Blair is VERY bad actress, and no one does death like Jeffrey Dean Morgan.